Spirit of the Avocet


There’s an expression round my parts (geographical, not anatomical): umming and ahhing; which implies a certain level of indecision, which leads nowhere, and is counter-productive.

I’ve been doing a lot of it recently. What am I doing, career-wise? How am I going to get some money? Where do I want to be/go? What about my music? Is this a long-term thing, this travel…thing?

Much of this indecision seemed to centre around money. Or the lack thereof. Being under no illusions does not mean shedding years and years of social conditioning overnight. Despite my desire for a freer existence, I still have the nagging voices in my head, telling me to settle down, earn more money, do something productive. Write a book. Get famous. Go viral.

As the bank balance got lower, I felt more guilty about spending time on the blog, as it wasn’t earning me money. I don’t imagine I’m the first blogger to feel uncomfortable with the concept of ‘monetising’; while I love writing and can’t deny the appeal of receiving large wads of cash for the occasional philosophical swashbuckling piece, I am unwilling to commit to spending long hours at the whim of slow wi-fi and fickle social media, in order to publicise a blog which is essentially about getting away from all that.

HONESTY is another issue. I’ve come up against some serious ‘mental work’ the last few months, the essence of which is better summed up by The Squeaky Robot:

I will never claim to be on a spiritual journey; I will also never attempt to “find myself” via travel. Knowing oneself has less to do with one’s geographical coordinates and more to do with mental work that is honest and unabashed and often ugly. Traveling with the intention of leaving your problems behind is like running from a grenade that’s still attached to you.

It’s difficult deciding exactly how much to disclose to your readers. How do you draw the line between writing which might resonate with others, and writing that’s just downright depressing?

WHAT gradually started to emerge from all of the above was not a pretty little life plan, but a desire to become more comfortable with uncertainty. Times of uncertainty are electric with creativity and change. We are so accustomed to living within a framework that it feels strange when that framework is taken away.

Rather than losing sight of the essence of this blog in order to push it as something marketable/definable, I’m going to embrace its uncertainty as a reflection of my own, and write as honestly as I can, with emphasis on the process, not the outcome. 

How d’you like them apples?

AND SO, on to the next phase. Bloodshot is having a rest in a boatyard in Almirante, which means bidding farewell to Bocas del Toro and relocating to Venao, where I will be a first grade teacher at El Sitio School. I am looking forward to having a real job, and also, learning how to ride a horse.

P.S.Click on this link for access to private member’s area including saucy naked pics – I might be nurturing an acceptance of uncertainty but I still need cash*


P.P.S. The title of this article was an autocorrect, which I liked, and might use as a future album title.

photo 2

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